Let’s get real for a second. As much as I absolutely adore having twins, there are times when I feel completely overwhelmed and entirely unqualified for twins. Plain and simple, it’s hard. Very, very hard.
The logistics of having two babies to care for is tricky. They are not on exactly the same napping schedule, but they generally need to eat at roughly the same time. Luckily, feeding them together is becoming a bit more doable. Then there is the circus act of leaving the house with two babies. With or without Nick, or any other person that may be here to help, getting them packed and ready to go (on time) is nuts. And then there is bath time with twins, again, not easy. With all these challenges, though, there are solutions that we figure out with every passing day, but the most challenging part of having twins, for me, has been the guilt.
There is so much guilt that I’ve had to get used to surrounding having two babies to love and care for. The guilt started the second I gave birth. I wasn’t able to have a ton of skin to skin bonding time with Stella because I was still in the process of giving birth to Grayson. Nick was able to have that skin to skin time with her, but I still felt guilty that I couldn’t be snuggling her, taking in the first hour of her life. Not having that time with her did affect our breastfeeding relationship for a while, but luckily she and I have bonded and nurse so well together now.
For so long, I struggled with the guilt of splitting my time between two beautiful babies. If I was enjoying time with one, I felt guilty because I wasn’t spending time with the other, THEN I’d feel guilty for not completely enjoying my time with the one I was with. I’ve had to learn to let go of the guilt because it can truly eat me alive. The truth of the matter is I can’t split myself into two parts, but I have had to learn to let go of the fact that I can’t entertain either baby 24/7. I am so hard on myself to be the perfect Mom to these babies, and at the end of the day, I know I am the best person for this job. I may not be the perfect Mom, but I am everything these babies need from a Momma.
Getting past the guilt, and letting go of my expectations I place on myself as a Mother has not been easy, but I am learning to let it go everyday. I know there will continue to be guilt down the road, but I also know that these kids will never doubt that they are loved so deeply and completely by myself, their Dad, and everyone around them. They will never feel a lack of love. Ever.